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| I have a big problem. I have a crush on one of my housemates. | | |
| I won the bet. It's over.
Thankfully, those two statements are completely unrelated.
She doesn't have feelings for him...but something happened between them yesterday. I'll leave it at that.
And tonight I completely broke up with her and cut the last remaining strings. I still lover her...but this is for the best. Now I won't hurt. I talked to a couple people about the situation, one of them being my dad, which is strange because I never talk to him. So it was a huge step forward for me to not only talk to him but to talk to him about something serious and to ask him for advice about girls...one thing that I have never done in my life. He gave me some really good advice and now I wonder why I have never talked to him about this before. I mean, he is a marriage counsellor...so one would assume that he would have good advice/insight regarding relationships. Anyway, basically we came to the conclusion that there were only two remedies to my hurting: 1. Her to be in love with me 2. The romantic aspects of our relationship to end. Since I can't control the first...I opted for the second. She reacted different then I expected. I thought that she wanted our relationship to be completely over but that she didn't have the courage to do it. I was wrong though...she didn't want it to be over, but she understands that it needs to be. Thankfully by the end of the night we were both on the same page. We aren't giving up our trust, friendship, care, closeness, etc. We're just giving up the intimacy, exclusiveness, and romance. We now consider each other to be our best friend. It's different, but it feels good. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of my back. I can now relax. There are no expectations, no pressure, and no waiting. I can be myself and I can return to enjoying life and enjoying Emma...as a friend. Anyway, I'm sure I'll write more later. Right now I'm calm...but I'm sure that these next couple of weeks will be filled with reminiscing and a corresponding amount of pain as I remember all of the good times and adjust to my new relationship with her. Don't worry. I promise to keep you all posted. | | |
| Well, technically I would have lost the bet...at least for now. I've decided I need to learn how to be selfish. I think maybe that would protect me from getting hurt so much by this girl. I mean, honestly I just keep giving ground and investing more of myself hoping that might bring her around. Hoping that might make her love me. She likes me. But I love her. Well, she claims to like me and care for me and I believe her. However, I just wish that I could see it so that I wouldn't have to always ask. If she would just show that she liked me and show that she cared for me that would fix a majority of the problems. She claims that I'm pushing her away by always asking what she's thinking and what she's feeling towards me. I could see how that would be annoying...but does she realized that I'm only doing this because she changes her mind/feelings so often that I keep getting hurt left, right, and centre. I only ask so that I have a bit of warning before my next round of hurting. It not that she doesn't know that she hurts me..because she does. She claims to feel really bad about hurting me and I believe her. I really do. However, she continues to hurt me. She doesn't know how to avoid hurting me. I understand where she's coming from. It's hard to avoid hurting someone if they are in love with you and you don't feel the same way. But there are certain things that she could do to lessen the hurt and numb a bit of my pain. She could figure out what she's thinking so that she doesn't keep dragging me behind the back of an emotional roller coaster. I mean, there's nothing worse than false hope. False hope only makes the fall harder and the hurting more painful. I don't think she understands this concept. Because she'll say something like "I'm starting to fall in love with you again" and then two days later she'll say that she's still not over him and that she needs space to think and be by herself and be alone and that she thinks that we should stop seeing each other or at least see less of each other. Now that is being selfish. Not outrageously selfish...just the type of selfishness where you put your own emotions and well-being first. That's the type of selfishness I need to adopt. If only...If only I could adopt selfishness. If only I could put myself before her...but I can't. I mean, you shouldn't be able to if you truly love someone. I can't...and therefore I'm truly in love with her. Sometimes I wish that I didn't love her. And she often wishes that I didn't love her. This sounds bad and it really hurts when she says this. I mean, does she realize how much I do for her, how much I care for her, how I continually go out of the way for her, how I bend over backwards for her, and how I daily accept pain and hurt just because I have to if I want to be anywhere near her. Honestly, there's only two things that can stop the pain: 1. Her falling in love with me 2. Me being selfish and completely ignoring her. The latter would hurt even more at first..and I'm not sure that ignoring is fair or would help...but I don't think that I can stop loving her without beginning to ignore her. And I don't think that I can stop hurting without either my love stopping or her love starting. And the problem is...I can only control the first...well, I can only try to control the first. I haven't quite decided if you can actually control love or if you can just accept circumstances. | | |
| I've got a bad feeling about this. I'm not going on much...just the circumstances and my gut. However, usually when it comes to this my gut feelings serve me well. And that scares the hell out of me. I've been right every single time before this...and that makes it even worse. I'm confident that within the next couple days or weeks that my suspicion/bad feeling will be confirmed. It's disgusting...but I'm so confident that I'm willing to bet on this gut feeling. Honestly, I'd put some serious cash on my suspicion that she has feelings for him (RM). I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It's not for anyone to read...unless your willing to take my bet. It's more as evidence for the bet which I'm placing with myself. It's so that when it is confirmed I can say "Ha! I was right!" before I punch my hand through a wall and fracture each of my knuckles. I mean, I might as well have a split second of gratification before I'm in complete and utter agony...both physically and emotionally. | | |
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